for my emerald grandmother

hi grandma you know i miss you what do you do? 8 years old I think, I miss it, life is difficult, but I'm getting on with it, I started studying herbs like you, Mom even gave me your book, you know the one with the green cover that's older than her, it's full of ribbon sticky and glue, but that's okay, I'm even working to retrieve a page of it from the sheets.
your house is different because grandpa also left, my uncle bought it and renovated it, the bathroom mirror is still there, I don't like to look, I always end up crying, your closet is with your aunt, your silver fork a few years ago it was stolen, the worst thing is to know that someone in the family made it and stole it from me, I have nothing more than her blue scarf and her book, the cousin kept her bell and a few more things, I couldn't keep her oruideas with me, sorry.
you know grandma, i'm thinking of pursuing a career in the arts, i started drawing and painting, i also wanted to tell you that i discovered i was a lesbian, i know you would love me even with that, but i still feel guilty, i feel like i failed everyone.
I also wanted to say I'm sorry and I know you know why I know you were there for me, thank you, as much as I feel I don't deserve it.
well i guess i'm stalling but i still miss you, and it's hard to move on when no one knows what you've been through, twice i saw someone die in front of me, first you, then grandpa, no one knows how to see the life of leaving someone and knowing that person will never come back, I knew you were going to die the moment I saw your empty eyes, grandpa was different, I didn't see it anymore, but I already knew he would I saw him like that like you, I saw it in his eyes a long time ago.
I think I'm prolonging it, this was supposed to be just a letter with news but I ended up writing too much, well I wanted to say I'm fine, I'll try to get help and be happy, I know you and I know you would respect me as you respected your sisters with your choice of religion, so I feel like continuing.

I know it will look more morbid, I hope to see you on the other side.